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  1. Luxury
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May 22, 2012


By Spear's

The fifth instalment of our lexicographical endeavour, a dictionary for the super-wealthy

Names: These are very important for setting the tone: you don’t want to call your business Crooked Investments Ltd. Now Bernard L Madoff Investment Securities, that’s a good name for a business.

Nannies: If your kids call your nanny ‘Mummy’ and can’t recognise you in a photo, you probably need to work a little less.

New York: Once the global centre for the super-wealthy, New York has lost its crown to London, but far be it from us to gloat. Oh no, no gloating. None at all.

Next Gen: Your children. They’re after your money, so watch out.

Nigeria: If you receive an email from the King of Nigeria promising to make you fabulously rich, congratulations! You deserve it.

Nightclubs: Institutions you may choose to visit of an evening to dine, drink and dance, possibly all at the same time, if you do the Funky Chicken. There are nightclubs for grown-ups (Annabel’s, Morton’s) and for grown-ups who think they’re still kids (Mahiki, Whisky Mist).

Non-dom: This comes in two flavours, res and non-res. If you are a res non-dom, you live and work in Britain. If you are a non-res
non-dom, you are on holiday here. Don’t miss Big Ben!

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Off-Street Parking: The holy grail of W1. If you do not have off-street parking, you may want to consider building a sub-sub-basement to accommodate your cars. Your neighbours will thank you — trust us.

Oil: Black gold, as opposed to gold, which is gold gold.

Oligarchs: Gentlemen who obtained large sections of Russian industry in the early Nineties through entirely legal means. Definitely do not see also: Abramovich, Berezovsky, Khodorkovsky, Prokhorov.

Opera: (1) A long-form musical drama, with glamorous international starlets hitting high Cs as they pretend to have tuberculosis;
(2) Being on the board of the Royal Opera House (hint: donate) is to have reached the peak of London society.

Oprah Winfrey: From a dirt-poor Mississippi childhood to a billionaire media mogul and philanthropist, Oprah is an example to us.

Osborne, George: You may recognise the Chancellor of the Exchequer from such muggings as the Budget 2012.

Over and Under: A form of shotgun with two barrels on top of one another, often used for clay pigeon shooting, clay duck hunting or clay deer stalking. See also: Side by Side; Side by Side by Sondheim.

Paris: The capital of romance, perfect for whisking your mistress away for a weekend.

Philanthropy: This is a Good Thing. You give money to charities and make the world a better place while being enveloped in the lustrous glow of the generous. But philanthropy requires responsibility: don’t just write a cheque and run — you’ll do more good by sticking around.

Plastic Surgery: An odd fact about plastic surgery is that those who’ve had it will never admit to it, yet freely comment without irony on others who have had it.

Posh: Assessing how posh someone is has been the British national pastime for centuries. There is an infinite number of infinitesimal gradations. One is judged by factors including: possession of a title (hereditary is better than life), location of country home, persistence of first names through lineage, traceability of lineage (extra points for descent from a royal bastard), size, origin and recency of fortune (newer and bigger is less posh, smaller but older is posher).

Prime Minister: RRP £250,000.

Proletariat: I’m sorry, I don’t understand.

Public School: Despite the misleading name, most of the public aren’t allowed into public schools.

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